Losing your libido can feel disheartening, especially if it goes away and doesn't come back for months or even years.
And when it comes to a woman, there is no “quick fix”. Sorry ladies (…and gents), but unfortunately there is no viagra pill to make you dripping wet, gagging for it and horny in an instant.
Your libido is a pivotal part to your overall health; it’s a barometer to how turned on you are by LIFE!
It’s normal for your sex drive to go up and down, but it’s not normal for it to stay down…
Here are some reasons why your libido might have gone missing:
1. Heart Connection
I want to share this one FIRST because in my opinion it’s the biggest missing link between “Horny AF” and “Not Tonight”.
If our heart is blocked or if we feel resentful, contempt, anger, hatred, sadness or guilt - there is no way in hell that you feel horny. Or if you do it’s because you’re cut off from your heart.
Our heart centre and our sex centre is intricately linked. Sex is simply sex if the heart isn't involved. However sex is amplified into exquisite love-making when our heart comes online, which trumps any fuck-fest I’ve ever had.
If your heart is closed, it’s likely your sexuality is closed off too (we can’t shut down one area of ourselves without shutting them all down) and you’re probably just going through the motions.
Here are some crucial questions to ask yourself:
Are you protecting your heart?
Are you scared of getting hurt?
Are you a control freak and can’t let go during sex?
Do you let yourself cry during sex if you feel it?
Are you holding onto anything that your partner did / didn’t do?
Are you hurting about something that happened in the past, particularly in relation to sex or relationships?
2. Diet and Lifestyle
What you put in your body has immediate impact on your sex drive. Let’s look at some of the major things that can affect your libido:
FOOD: If you’re eating too much sugar, processed, GMO, non-organic, saturated fats, starchy carbs, deep fried shit, hidden salts and sugar…chances are you’re not that horny! Who feels sexy or honey after a Big Mac?
ALCOHOL: In men, alcohol can cause difficulties getting and maintaining an erection - while women may experience reduced lubrication, find it harder to have an orgasm, or have orgasms that are less intense.
SMOKING: Whether you’re smoking weed or cigarettes, if you’re doing it in excess it can have a seriously negative impact on your brain chemistry and blood circulation and thus your sex drive.
PHARMACEUTICAL DRUGS: A common symptom of antidepressants or anxiety medication is a massive drop in libido.
EXERCISE: If you’re not getting your heart rate up once a day and sweating for at least 15 - 30 mins, you might not be getting enough blood flow to your genitals!
Our hormones rule errrrrrything!!!! If our hormones are out, everything is out. I was on the pill for 10 years and when I came off the pill my libido sky-rocketed (go figure).
Here are some ways they might be out:
BIRTH CONTROL: Have noticed a dip in your libido since being on the pill or having an IUD? You’re not alone! Stay tuned for my Part 2 article next week.
POST CHILD BIRTH: It’s normal to experience a slump after childbirth but it aint normal for it to stay slumped.
THYROID: Sometimes if you have lost your libido it might be because your thyroid is overactive or underactive.
ESTROGEN DOMINANCE: This is a testosterone antagonist. The more estrogen a woman has in her system, the less testosterone she has available to pump up her libido. So this is one of the greatest culprits in contemporary Western sexual dysfunction.
Most women have experienced sexual trauma in some capacity, whether that’s hard trauma (i.e. rape) or soft trauma (i.e. drunken sex when you’re not ready for penetration). In fact 1 in 5 women in Australia have been sexually abused and 1 in 3 women in the USA.
This means that A LOT of women are carrying sexual trauma inside their vagina, which doesn't foster an environment for a healthy libido. Due to trauma, women will often cut off from the belly-button down, disconnecting from their vagina and thus their sexual essence. Here are some signs that you might be carrying trauma:
You experience numbness inside your vagina
You have pain internally
You aren't able to have orgasms
Chronic sexual shame
Constant ‘issues’ down there
You’re repulsed by sex (sexual anorexia) or addicted to sex (sexual addiction)
Chronic physical or emotional pain will impact your sexual desire faster than you can say ‘f*ck-me!’
There is plenty of research to suggest that autoimmune dysfunctions, depression, chronic pain, stress or menopausal symptoms (dry vagina, hot sweats) all lessen your appetite for sex.
However, there is also research that says that sex actually helps pain! Yes, even that niggling headache at 9pm when your partner rolls over and wants sex ;-)
The reality is a lot of physical pain actually stems from STRESS.
If you have too much on your plate, you’re not going to make room for pleasure are you? In states of overwhelm people often go into fight, flight or freeze, which is the opposite state to arousal. For example, if a zebra is getting chased by a lion (flight response) does it really want to drop down and have sex? No way! Our internal harm and alarm system stimulates our sympathetic nervous system, which isn’t a sex-inducing state.
So are you a stress-head who gets overwhelmed easily and doesn't crave sex anymore? There is no wonder why! I will share my tips on how to stress less for your sex life in PART 2 of this article next week!
If you have read all of the above points and none of them relate to you, then, unfortunately maybe you’re not compatible with your partner. Sorry to be be the bearer of bad news!
I mention this point last because I believe it should be the final place you look. It’s always best to look at yourself first and foremost, as we are responsible for the quality of our lives (remember when we point the finger, there are three fingers facing back to us).
In my coaching sessions with couples I have heard this so many times:
“Everything is perfect, except for the sex”.
Well, I am sorry to say but sexual intimacy is one of the most important aspects to a relationship. It’s the glue that holds it together; if you’re not connecting sexually you might as well be buddies, right!?
Sexual compatibility is a sign that you’re biologically a good match. And if it’s not there, why waste your precious time?
But before you call it quits…
Have you tried everything you can to fix it?
It’s 100% normal that we all have different sexual desires, preferences, fantasies & fetishes. It also takes time to build up sexual compatibility as what you liked with one partner won’t always work with another.
But if you’ve been having issues in the bedroom for over 6-12 months, it’s worth asking some of the following questions:
Do you feel comfortable in expressing what/how you like to be pleasured? Can you ask for what you want?
Do you fake your orgasms?
Do you look at other people all the time?
Are you having an affair (physically or psychotically) to get your needs met?
Do you enjoy the way your partner kisses you?
Do you love the way your partner smells (breath, body odour) and tastes? (Read my article on Pheromones here)
Does your partner know how to pleasure you the way you like it?
Physically, do you “fit” inside each other well?
Are you left feeling satisfied?
Do you actually want to please / pleasure / satisfy your partner?
I will leave you with this little note:
Unless you express what and how you like to be pleasured, how can you expect your partner to please you? If you haven't done this it might be wise to open up communication about this. If you struggle with this, please book in a coaching session online with me here.
Image credit: Unknown (feature & third image)